Maybe the Problem Isn't Stress: Maybe It's What You Do With It
Sep 18, 2026
I had one of those conversations recently that stayed with me long after it ended.
A team member was angry with me about something that had happened on a project nearly five years ago. The person was still carrying the stress and frustration from that experience.
I'll be honest. It caught me off guard and made me think about something much bigger than that particular conversation:
What happens when we don't let stress go?
And that's what sent me back to a TED Talk by psychologist Kelly McGonigal called How to Make Stress Your Friend.
Watch Kelly McGonigal's TED Talk
McGonigal challenges something most of us have been taught our entire lives: stress is bad.
We spend an enormous amount of time trying to eliminate it, avoid it and recover from it.
But what if our relationship with stress matters almost as much as the stress itself?
Your body may be trying to help you.
McGonigal talks about research suggesting that when we change the way we think about stress, we can change the way our body responds to it.
Instead of interpreting a racing heart, sweaty palms or rapid breathing as Something is wrong with me, we can interpret those same signals as My body is preparing me to deal with something that matters.
That's a pretty significant shift, don’t you think?
Stress doesn't necessarily mean you're failing. Sometimes it means you care.
Think about the last time you were nervous before a big presentation, an important meeting or a difficult conversation.
Your heart was pounding. Your stomach was doing something weird. Your palms may have been sweating.
What if instead of saying, I'm so stressed out, you said:
“My body is getting me ready.”
That's not pretending everything is fine. It's changing the story you're telling yourself about what’s happening. And that matters.
But here's the part that really got me.
McGonigal explains that stress doesn't just trigger the familiar fight-or-flight response. It can also activate what researchers call a “tend-and-befriend” response—pushing us toward connection, support and helping other people. One of the hormones involved, oxytocin, plays a role in social connection and can motivate us to reach out rather than isolate ourselves.
In other words, sometimes stress is telling us:
Don't do this alone.
That's a powerful leadership lesson.
When you're stressed, don't automatically shut down.
Don't disappear into your office.
Don't send that angry email. (say that 3x fast)
Don't convince yourself that nobody understands.
Connect.
Talk to someone you trust. Ask for help. Help someone else. Sometimes the fastest way to change how we experience stress is to stop making it entirely about ourselves.
Then there's the hardest part: letting go.
That's where my recent conversation really challenged me. We all have experiences that hurt. We've all had bosses who said the wrong thing. Coworkers who disappointed us. Decisions we didn't agree with. Projects that went badly. Conversations we wish we could take back.
There is a big difference between learning from an experience and continuing to live inside it.
Five years is a long time to carry the emotional weight of one difficult experience. At some point, we have to ask ourselves:
Is this experience still teaching me—or am I still letting it control me?
That's a tough question and it's one leaders need to ask themselves, too.
Holding onto old stress doesn't punish the person who caused it.
It mostly keeps the stress alive inside us.
Three ways to make stress your friend
- Change the question.
Instead of asking, “Why is this happening to me?” try asking:
“What is this preparing me to do?”
That simple shift moves you from victim to participant.
- Don't isolate yourself.
Stress can make us want to pull away. But McGonigal's work points to the social side of the stress response. Connection can be part of how we cope. Find the person you can call when you're overwhelmed. Don’t just complain about the situation, take at least 50 percent of the responsibility and think about ways YOU can make the situation better.
And just as importantly, be that person for someone else.
- Take the lesson. Leave the baggage.
This might be the hardest one.
You don't have to forget what happened.
You don't have to pretend it didn't hurt.
You don't even have to agree with what happened.
But you can decide what you're going to carry forward.
Here’s what I can guarantee.
Stress is going to show up.
There will always be another difficult conversation.
Another deadline.
Another unexpected problem.
Another decision that makes someone unhappy.
We can't eliminate all of that.
But maybe we don't need to.
Maybe the goal isn't to create a life—or a workplace—with no stress.
I believe the goal is to become better at responding to the stress that inevitably comes our way.
Maybe the next time your heart starts pounding and you feel that familiar surge of anxiety, instead of thinking,
“Oh no. I'm stressed.”
Try thinking:
“Okay. My body is getting me ready. Let's see what I can do with this.”
That might be the beginning of making stress your friend. It’s not going to be easy, but I know you can do it. I’m right there with you working hard to do it too.